Whew! What a week. I still haven't gotten over the whole thing with Trish, and then my oldest daughter is on one of her rampages again. I feel like every ounce of living has been drained from my body. I can't sleep, can't eat, and can't stop crying. I sat up the other night, and wrote this post that I'm including below.... It was in a response to some things that my daughter had said. I don't know if she knows about this blog or not, don't really care... but, I am so hurt and so broken hearted that I don't know that I will ever recover.
On a bright side... I have a huge order for some of my crafts. I'm excited, as it couldn't have come at a better time! Hopefully, this will let me get my mind and my heart healed.
Here's my post: Subject: Life goes on within you and without you”
“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.”
Well, I’m back from 4 days in the “Triad”… Mark had school from Monday to Thursday in Greensboro, and I tagged along. The first night was spent at “Motel Hell” which sat atop of Walton’s Mountain. (Long story… just ask if you want to know the details). Then on Monday morning we moved to the Biltmore Suites Hotel. Really awesome place, if anyone is ever in the Greensboro/High Point/Winston Salem area (hence… the Triad), I would highly recommend it.
Then, I spent Monday through Thursday doing a lot of work on a craft catalog/brochure listing all of my craft items, worked on trying (the keyword here is TRYING) to set up an actual website, and finally…. doing a lot of soul searching; which has allowed me to pretty much come to a new outlook on life in general. I really should have done this sooner, because I actually feel better now about a great deal of things that were bothering me emotionally. After the last falling/passing out/hospital stay scare, I definitely needed to put a lot of problems and issues in God’s hands. This is what I’ve done.
I have also really been missing my Mom a lot more than usual lately and thinking about her a lot. I can’t believe that she will have been gone 7 yrs this September. I did a lot of thinking about how she would handle these issues. I KNOW exactly what she would have done; but I won’t do it her way. Only because I am tire, oh so tired, of the confrontation, the blaming, the accusing…. There is one thing that I do know, and that is that Mom would have confronted the issue and won, she would have came out of it screaming and fighting… but she would have won! In all honesty though, can you ever win when it’s a matter of the heart? NO! Especially when that heart (like mine), has been scarred beyond recognition. What does one do when the heart will no longer fight? When the fight has been literally sucked right from your body? Well, I don’t know about everyone else… but in my case… I will pick myself off, and continue on the daily battle. I have to, because there are other people in my life who love me, need me and are counting on me. The source of the “scars” will always be loved by me…. More than my own life…. And more than can ever be put into words or actions.
I also have realized here lately that some people are bigger in death than they were in life…. While others are simply gone and forgotten. This is in itself a very heartbreaking realization. One, that if pondered upon, will make you wonder why do we spend our time here on Earth giving our hearts and souls to those we love only to be forgotten when the casket closes??? And why do we spend our lives loving, supporting, cherishing, and helping… to have people walk away and never look, back never call, and never say thank-you?
My Dad will be 78 years old on the 11th of this month. Over the course of my life I’ve butted heads with him on so many occasions, I’ve been mad as hell at him, and have swore that I would never speak to him again. But, it brings me to tears to think of losing him. Over the past 4 ½ - 5 years, he has gone from just being my father to now being my friend…. My hero. He is a man who has been through a lot and seen a lot in his lifetime. And, looking back on the 42 years that I’ve been a part of his life, I’ve seen him go through a lot. I’ve seen him laugh, and I’ve seen him cry. I’ve watched him bury the woman that he spent 54 yrs with, watched him bury all of his siblings and his mother. I’ve seen him go through the highs and the lows. I’ve seen him so mad at me that I thought he would beat the snot out of me, and I’ve seen him lower his eyes in pain, because he feels forgotten. But, he has always loved me, he may not say it like I wish, but he loves me. Now that Mom’s gone, and I am not able to thank her, tell her I’m sorry for the screw ups, and tell her that I love her. I make it a point to tell these things to Dad. Because one day, I won’t be able to.
I remember asking someone once if it was possible to die from a broken heart. I don’t remember the answer I got…. But I do know what I believe. I believe that it is possible, because the hateful things that were said to me and about me over the course of the last few years and weeks had brought me down to the point that I sat and begged God to stop the pain by letting me leave this world. A broken will never fully heal, but with time it will quit hurting so bad. TIME…. A word that no one knows how much of it they have. I never realized what an amazingly powerful word it is.
On a person to person note…. I do not deserve this from you. You are the one who has bad mouthed me, trashed me, and expects me to take it. I NEVER once said that you screwed up your life, that you were not happily married, or anything remotely close to that. You are the one who “assumed” that’s what I meant and went and told everyone that I said it. (When I NEVER said that). I also NEVER said that your life turned out bad, that you weren’t happy or you weren’t in love. Those were things that YOU ASSUMED when I made the comment that maybe your father and I should have given you a little more discipline. I have never said that having Austin was a mistake. I would NEVER say that. Ask anyone who hears me talk about him…. And you can also ask them while you’re at it about me saying you getting married was a mistake. They will ALL tell you that I love that baby, and I love you and your husband…. And I am proud of the two of you. They will also tell you that I constantly say that I am proud of the woman/mother/wife that you’ve become.
If I thought you getting married was a mistake I sure as hell wouldn’t have came Florida, taken every last penny that Mark and I had saved up out of the bank, and spent 90% of it on you! I sure as hell wouldn’t have given you the money to buy the wedding ring he wanted, instead of the one you could afford. I sure as hell wouldn’t have bought you over $100 worth of items from Victoria’s Secret for your wedding night. It wasn’t/isn’t Mark’s place to pay for those items… but he did, because he knew that it was something that I wanted to do, thinking it would make you happy, NO WE wanted to make you happy. We never asked for anything in return… all we wanted was a simple “thank you, I love you”. I NEVER asked you to pay me back for any of the money that I spent on you that weekend. But, maybe I should have… maybe then you would have respected and appreciated what I did a little more.
You asked me who I was to judge? Well who are you to judge? You’ve judged me for over 4 years, and you know you have. Everyone knows you have. When I’ve tried to sit down and talk with you about it, you won’t talk about it, you just blow me off.
You are my daughter, and I love you more that you will ever begin to realize. I thought maybe when you had your son you would realize how much a mother loves a child.
